Dear Coleen
I’ve been dating an amazing man for just over a year. We’re both divorced – I’m 38 and he’s 42 – and we both have kids with our ex-partners.
We get on like a house on fire and already our relationship is deeper and more meaningful than my eight-year marriage. We have so much in common and fell head over heels in love with each other.
My dilemma is, I’m desperate for us to get married, but he rolls his eyes every time I bring it up and says going through a divorce has put him off marriage for life. I get it – his ex cheated on him and gave him a really tough time, but this is a different relationship.
What’s made me feel worse is that my friend has just got engaged and I’m feeling so jealous. Her partner took her to New York and proposed on a magical night out.
I don’t need a huge, expensive wedding, but I want the romance and the commitment, and to provide a bit more stability for our kids, who’ve been through the (divorce) mill.
I’d love your advice – am I too needy, desperate and sad or do I have a point?
Coleen says
You’re in love, which is wonderful, and of course I understand you’re looking for commitment from him.
However, a marriage certificate won’t guarantee a “happy ending” – you know that because your last marriage ended in divorce.
Yes, it’s a different relationship, but both of you have to want marriage and you have to respect his experience and his opinion.
But not wanting to get married doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that he won’t be as committed.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to force his hand or bang on about your friend’s amazing proposal (it will just make him feel he’s lacking in some way). If and when you see him at the end of the aisle, you want him to be there because that’s what he wants and not because he feels he has no choice.
If your desperation to tie that knot has something to do with feeling insecure, then talk to him about how you feel, so he can reassure you and show his commitment in other ways.
This is still a pretty new relationship so focus on enjoying it and seeing where it takes you, which might be down the aisle in the future.
