My wife and I are both in our early 50s. I love her, find her attractive and like her as a person, but we have a fundamental difficulty: we can’t talk about any kind of problem or anything personal. Or, rather, she can’t. If things are going well, we get on OK, but if there is a problem we just argue. There is no meeting of minds, no talking through something. So either nothing gets said or we have big, horrible arguments.
The hardest part for me is regarding sex. We can’t talk about this at all. I feel that we don’t have a sexual relationship. Every three weeks or so we might have sex, but I am always frustrated by it. This started 12 years ago. When we do have sex, it is always the same and she always initiates it because if I do she just won’t respond. When I started to become tempted to look elsewhere I resolved to do all I could to try to improve things.
But everything I tried failed. She refused – and refuses – to try counselling. I went on my own for a little while but it didn’t help. I bought her lingerie and sex toys for us to try. I tried writing to her to explain how I felt, but she never responded. All the advice seems to be to communicate; yet that is the very thing we can’t do.
I have become very depressed about vanilla sex. I have always been intrigued by BDSM (bondage, domination, submission and masochism) and feel that it could be an answer – a way we could have an adventure together. I actually think my wife has shown signs that she could respond to that, but, of course, I dare not mention it. My marriage feels doomed to fail eventually unless my wife will talk to me, and as time goes by it gets more and more difficult. I have contemplated leaving, but that is awful, too.
What I think you mean is that all forms of communication aren’t leading to the sort of sex you want. And while that’s important to you, you need to be honest about that, because this could be the key to your wife’s resistance to talk.
Because you have done everything that would normally be suggested, we need to look at why your wife is resisting. It could be because she doesn’t think there is a problem and doesn’t want to rock the boat. She could be uninterested (sorry). She may not like what you are saying, or how you are saying it. Or she could be angry. And you constantly asking gives her power, so it is a form of control.
I talked to the sexual and relationship counsellor Murray Blacket (cosrt.org.uk), who said: “There is a school of thought in couples therapy that says the person with the low desire is the one in a position of power.” This is about power and control. For whatever reason, your wife has it and isn’t relinquishing it.
It could be the infidelity from years ago (referred to in your longer letter), it could be she senses something is going on for you. “It could be,” suggested Blacket, “that your talk about sex, and buying her sex toys and lingerie, has made her dig her heels in. Maybe she feels as if she is not being met in the other aspects of your life together. This can get translated as: ‘If he can’t support me in these areas, I certainly don’t feel sexual toward him.’”
Are all your communications about sex? What are you saying to her and how? Nowhere in your letter did you say what your wife wanted, or if you had even asked her. It is very much all about you and what you are not getting.
What happened 12 years ago? What gets said during these “horrible arguments”? And were you ever able to communicate with her – if so, what happened around the time that changed?
Blacket also explained that often people hope for more communication about their sex life because they hope it will lead to more sex. But, he says: “Generally, although communication gets to the underlying factor [for a couple not having sex], it doesn’t always reinstate sex.”
I think you need to start listening, even if it is to the silence. If she really isn’t saying anything then I am afraid you do need to consider your future and whether it is with her. While I would never advocate such a move unless you are serious, maybe it is when you are at that point that the control will shift back to you, and your wife may start talking.
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