I’m a bisexual man in my 30s. I greatly enjoy sex with women, but the thought of it doesn’t turn me on as much as the thought of receiving anal sex from a man. However, when I am physically intimate with a man I find it difficult, if not impossible, to maintain an erection. In some ways, this is fine, but I’m worried that the men I sleep with think I’m not enjoying it, or don’t know whether I am or not. I think the wider problem may be that I don’t find men as attractive as women. I don’t enjoy cuddling with men or kissing like I do with women. As a result, I treat the men I’m with like sex objects. I’m worried that if I end up with a woman, I’ll always have something missing from my sex life, but that I am not attracted to men enough to have a satisfying monogamous relationship with a man.
When people are grappling with such questions, what they are really comparing is not so much the qualitatively different sexual experiences, but rather who they experience themselves to be in the context of their relationships with people of different genders. But you do not have to make a choice – not now and not ever.
You accept that you are bisexual, so you can fairly comfortably decide to have relationships with people of either or both genders. And you will discover that in a longer-term monogamous relationship (if you want that at any point) it is the particular person and how he or she makes you feel when you are together that is important – not their gender.
There can be reasons for feeling safer with one gender v another, so exploring your childhood feelings about maternal v paternal connections may give you some helpful information (limited, though, since fathers and mothers do not necessarily provide traditional gender-based care). You seem to be concerned about your future, and consider monogamy a goal, with one person of one gender. But there are people out there who can manage long-term triangular relationships – in fact, some actively seek triads. See if you are one of them.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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