I am a young woman who has been attracted sexually and romatically to boys, but the idea of sex or any kind of sexual contact terrifies me. I have a boyfriend who simply doesn’t care about image, and loves me for me. But when it comes to sex, I get really terrified and start choking up, almost on the verge of tears.
Why do something you don’t want to? While it is normal for anyone – including experienced lovers – to feel nervous about the first time with someone new, if that anxiety becomes terror, there is at least some self-analysis to be done. That voice inside you – the one that makes you run from sex – what exactly is it saying? Try to express this in sentences: “I am afraid I won’t know what to do”? (No one does the first time.) “I’m afraid it will hurt”? (It might, but this is a risk I’ll have to take sooner or later.) “I might get pregnant?” (We must use protection.) “Will he go off me once he’s managed to go all the way”? (There are always relationship risks, but I trust him.)
Most importantly, that voice might be saying something very important for your protection, such as: “I don’t feel ready”, “I really don’t trust him”, or “I simply don’t feel like it.” These are valid reasons that should be respected by both of you. There is a great deal of pressure – from peers, media and society – to become fully sexual but if that’s not how you feel, don’t bow to it.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
