Hi Ms Understanding,
I’m a 60-year-old white American male and have done some work and had training around acknowledging my racist background and lingering internalised superiority. In multicultural environments, is there a way to indicate my allyship with other people, letting them know I’m safe, or at least not hostile, without coming across as trying too hard? My approach has been “act naturally” but I kind of want to let people around me know they can relax a little. Perhaps it’s just a moment of eye contact and a head nod. And maybe this question reveals I’m not even ready to be that person. I’m wrestling ...
Dear Wrestler,
I know you mean well because your intentions are so clearly articulated in your message but we’re going to have to have some straight talk on this one. Your question assumes that people of colour are constantly thinking about white people. This belief is inaccurate but it is common among white people who grow up in a culture that centres them and their feelings. By inserting white people into the imaginations of the people of colour you are encountering you are inventing a problem and then rushing to their rescue to solve it.
Instead I would ask you to think about the real experiences of people of colour to figure out what they actually need and determine whether you have a role to play. The work you might have to do may be deeply personal.
At the moment you are making the crucial error of reducing the experiences of people of colour to race alone, as though the sum total of our lives take place in the glare of racism. Racism can take up far too much of our time and energy but it doesn’t define our every waking moment. For example, when I am in a restaurant or a cafe I am not looking for affirmation or reassurance from the white people around me, nor am I especially worried about racism. I’m just eating my burger or sipping my soy flat white and I’m pretty relaxed. Of course I may be confronted by racism at any time but if I were defined by the possibility of that experience that would be a sad life indeed.
So I would strongly advise against making eye contact or nodding your head at random strangers who happen to be a people of colour. If you do they will probably conclude that you are racialising them and feel patronised and insulted. Or they’ll think you’re trying to get in their pants, which is also not a great look. Either way, you risk achieving the opposite of what you are hoping; making them feel unsafe and weirded out.
Think of it this way: if you were drowning you would want someone to pull you out of the water. But if you were walking on the beach and a stranger ran up to you and offered to save you if you should ever be on the verge of drowning, you would think they were strange and condescending. You might even wonder how they know whether you can swim or not and think they are racially profiling you. You’d also probably ask yourself if you should believe them when they say they are a great swimmer. Most importantly, you might doubt whether they’d be so fast to jump in if you were drowning – despite their pledges of allegiance. After all, good intentions or not, they would still be a perfect stranger.
So, here’s my advice. If you see racism, confront it. Otherwise just be cool and try to remember that trust is earned, not signalled.
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Sisonke Msimang is a Guardian Australia columnist. She is the author of Always Another Country: A Memoir of Exile and Home (2017) and The Resurrection of Winnie Mandela (2018)
