Dear Coleen,
My life is a big mess and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m in my early-40s with a lovely husband and two great kids.
I’m fit and healthy and look good for my age. I also have a job I love and brilliant friends. From the outside it all looks picture perfect.
But I’ve been cheating on my husband for the past year with a guy I knew before I was married. I don’t see him every week, but we meet up regularly for drinks or dinner and then go back to his place for sex, which is really what it’s all about for the both of us.
This guy couldn’t be further from my husband in terms of values and personality.
He’s a confirmed bachelor, a bit arrogant and probably emotionally abusive, as he often cancels arrangements at the last minute or leaves me sitting alone in a bar for an hour, waiting. I’m a strong woman in every other area of my life, so it’s crazy I allow myself to be manipulated like this, hanging on for him to call or show up.
I can’t explain why I’m still going back for more because I realise I’m playing a dangerous game and have a lot to lose, but I can’t seem to resist his charm – and the great sex. Please help.
Coleen says
I don’t know why you’re so determined to sabotage what you have – maybe it’s rooted in your childhood or past relationships. Counselling might help you to unpick it.
You don’t need me to tell you that you need to end this relationship.
Even if you weren’t married, this guy doesn’t sound like a catch – he’s manipulative, unreliable and not the sort of person you’d want to be in a relationship with. And you could lose everything for someone who shows you zero respect.
I think you have to work on building your self-esteem and taking your power back, so you believe you’re worth more than anything this guy has to offer.
Try to separate yourself from the emotion (and sex) and imagine what you’d tell a friend if she were in this situation.
Imagine the scenario where you’re dividing up your home and telling your kids the marriage is over.
Your husband might be great, but your marriage can’t be working well if you’re sleeping with someone else.
Think about what’s missing and work on it with your husband instead of trying to find it with this other man. If it is about sex, then be honest about what you need.
But it has to be a joint effort because you can’t nurture (or save) a marriage on your own.
