I am a man in my 30s with no health problems, but although I can reach orgasm through masturbation, I am unable to climax during vaginal sex. What can I do?
First, you need to identify the reason for your orgasmic challenge. Is it that, in order to climax, you require a higher level of friction? Is the masturbation style you have developed one that does not easily transition to partner intercourse? Is there something about vaginal intercourse that turns you off – perhaps the style is too “vanilla”?
Doing some self-analysis to gain a specific understanding of the root of this problem will help you to find a solution. For example, if you require more friction, you could hold yourself tightly at the base of your penis – or teach a partner to do so. Or you could alternate with other styles of penetration or stroking, making sure that you return to vaginal sex once you reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability.
If you have a profound psychological distaste for vaginal penetration, this would suggest a need for some psychosexual therapy – if you feel sufficiently motivated to seek it. If you are disinterested in vaginal intercourse, as a less exciting form of eroticism, this might point to a need to blend your preferred erotic styles in a creative and more satisfying manner. You may need both perseverance and creativity to solve your problem.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
