I’m a gay man in my early 20s and, for as long as I can remember, my tastes have differed from the norm. I have a fetish for bigger guys and I’ve even wanted to gain weight myself to satisfy this. I realise the stigma around obesity and its health implications, and my struggle with this has led me to hide myself away. I fear that others will see me as a disgusting freak.
Don’t let the zeitgeist spoil your pleasure. You are fortunate that you do not need a “ripped” partner in order to become aroused, because in such a scenario there can be a considerable amount of pressure on both the seeker and the object of desire.
Body-worship is extremely common. It occurs in many forms, with a great deal of cultural variation, and is usually the result of tastes and triggers that begin to form quite normally in childhood. Despite the current fashion for preferring well-toned men, there are plenty of fleshier men around who would love to know that you desired them.
Your self-description as a “disgusting freak” is way off, and suggests that it may be worth investigating your own relationship with weight and body image. Try to be accepting of your normative interest, and avoid objectifying the people you like so much. Each of us has a unique design for arousal and sexual connection, and yours is far from “freakish”. Please yourself, and be proud.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
