I am a 35-year-old bisexual woman who has never had penetrative sex with a man. Years ago I attempted it, but we gave up when it didn’t work. I presumed it was because I wasn’t relaxed enough, but since then I have tried penetration with vibrators when fully relaxed and lubricated and they won’t go in, and it is incredibly painful. I’ve recently met a lovely man with whom I’d like to be intimate, but I have avoided getting too close because of this.
There might be a physiological or anatomical reason for this, so it is essential that you consult a doctor. It is possible that you may need a procedure that would remove a thick hymen or correct whatever physical feature may be preventing penetration.
There is a condition known as vaginismus where penetration is made impossible due to a muscular spasm. Vaginismus is essentially a psychosexual problem that can develop after a number of painful penetrative attempts (it is the body’s way of refusing further pain) and this might be part of your problem. But since you say you have also been unable to receive a vibrator when fully relaxed and lubricated, my guess is that your issue is actually physiological.
Do not delay in seeking help for this, although it would be perfectly reasonable to engage in “outercourse” (non-penetrative erotic play) with your new partner until you are ready for intercourse – which might take time. You know well how your body works in terms of achieving orgasm, and should guide your partner in pleasing you in your normal manner even when penetration becomes possible. Most women receive the majority of their climax-inducing pleasure from clitoral stimulation, so don’t expect penetration alone to lead to orgasm; it probably will not.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
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