I am a 23-year-old woman without any sexual experience. There is no particular reason for this: I simply have not met anybody with whom I shared the romantic connection that I think is necessary. I have recently met a young man with whom things look very promising. I am wondering if I should tell him that I am sexually inexperienced, because for me this is not a big deal.
You are right: it should not a big deal. And it is not necessary to make any kind of “confession”. Since every individual has a unique sexuality, having experience or not is not particularly relevant. Some people are delighted, relieved – even feel safer – when they find a less “experienced” partner. Sexuality with another person is largely an expression of how one feels about that partner, so relax and allow your sexual response to this man to be an authentic physical conversation.
The best way to connect sexually is to listen – to their words and their bodies – and to be fearless and open about communicating your own needs. Try not to think of sex as a challenging performance for which you need a good review. Ideally, it should always be a non-pressured experience, with each person taking responsibility for his or her own pleasure. Try to focus on having fun, leaving intercourse or the things that are more daunting for you until you have established a high level of non-penetrative eroticism.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
