I’m 12 years old and I have a great family and life. I’m hoping to be an animator/artist, so I spend most of my days drawing and doing fun, crafty stuff. My parents have been talking about bills, jobs and adult stuff lately and it’s affected me – especially since I’ve recently started my periods, which scared me because I don’t want to have to grow up.
It frightens me a lot, and I cry about it. My elder sister (who is also my best friend) comforts me, but she doesn’t know what to do and I’m afraid my parents will think I’m being really dumb.
My mother told me that I have to start being more responsible and she gets angry with me for always drawing or watching art videos on my iPad.
Just the thought of responsibility, independence and mature stuff makes me cry. When my mother told me that periods prepare you for having a baby, I just got so scared. Everything about growing up frightens me.
How you feel is completely natural. In fact, I felt exactly the same when I was 12, and would also spend ages day-dreaming. One of the things I’m most glad about now is just how much time I spent feeding my brain in this way; there is nothing weak about it.
But emotions come with a flip side that we sometimes need to moderate. Being sensitive means you are tuned into the wider world and other people’s feelings, but it can also cause you to worry too much. Just because your body is biologically ready for something, it doesn’t mean you are emotionally ready. Mind and body develop differently – often years apart. So of course the thought of having a baby now is terrifying. Puberty can be an unsettling time: your body (and mind) is changing. But try to see this as a sign that your body is healthy, not that it’s running away without you.
Adults can go on about “responsible” stuff to children. They are trying to help you understand about life, but in so doing they can scare you and often forget to counterbalance this with the wonderful things that come with growing up – and there are plenty. So you are left thinking adulthood is all responsibility and no fun. This is a failure in communication, not a statement of how life is.
Can you invite your mother into your world and show her what you do? Ask what she liked as a child. If you can, let your parents know how you feel. There’s nothing dumb about being able to express your emotions (and writing in to a newspaper for help is pretty responsible). If you don’t want to or can’t talk to them, please try to find someone else you trust who could help you: an older friend or member of the family, a teacher? You are not alone in these feelings.
You didn’t tell me where you live, but in the UK, ChildLine can really help. The website is accessible from anywhere and is useful.
When I feel the world is too big, I try to drill down into what I am really worried about. So with “growing up”, ask yourself, which part exactly scares you? Leaving home? Having babies (you don’t have to have them)? Finding a job? If you zoom in on it, you can often take it apart and realise it’s not so bad, or it’s not something you have to worry about yet. You might even find it’s something you can deal with.
The second thing is about perspective. Think of this feeling as a tile in a mosaic that makes up your life. It’s one of lots of tiles that constitute the bigger picture: you. All those other tiles are the many parts of you: what you’re good at, what you like, past memories, your dreams and hopes. But you are concentrating on this tile that says “worry about the future”: try to step back and realise there are other tiles that balance things out.
Finally, learn to trust yourself; this comes with experience. Just as your body physically develops, so does your mind. You learn to deal with tricky moments in life, absorb them into who you are (your mosaic picture) so the next time something crops up, you have more tools to help you cope.
One day you will put all this sensitivity and thought into some wonderful art that, because there’s so much in it, will speak to others. And even when you leave home – whenever that is – your family will always be there. You don’t shed everything about yourself when you grow up: it grows up right there with you.
• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
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