Buckingham Palace, 1947. Courtiers bustle and dignitaries fuss over fish knives, while upstairs a violently bronchial George VI (Jared Harris) celebrates his daughter’s impending nuptials by coughing gobbets of blood into the en suite bog. Thus, thrillingly, begins The Crown, Netflix’s sumptuous, £100m, potentially 60-episode take on the rise of Queen Elizabeth II (Claire Foy): from tremulous young newlywed (to Matt Smith’s Prince Philip), gasping as centuries of tradition prepare to clamp her in a constitutional headlock, to imperturbable monarch, her tiny, begloved hand steady on the nation’s rudder. It is, in a very real sense, The Ascent of Ma’am.
But what of the other small-screen depictions of contemporary royalty? Those cheap, invariably American, made-for-TV biopics that are usually approached with nostrils pinched and a talisman clutched to one’s breastbone in an effort to protect oneself from the scene in which Prince Charles is introduced to hip-hop. The ones whose budgets can’t, perhaps, stretch to Jared Harris in ermine, but can manage a horse in a polo neck. Here’s a brief guide to the most notable monarchical clangers.
William & Catherine: A Royal Romance
Hallmark, 2011
The premise: Bow ties spin in disbelief as the House of Windsor is “reimagined” as Chessington World of Sovereigns™, with transatlantic yahs high-fiving over the swan terrine and QEII playing Wii Sports in her nightie.
Hours of: Balls. Jamborees. Prince Charles actually saying “Puff Daddy”. Wills (American Dan Amboyer) swaggering around “St Andrews” (AKA the Royal Borough of Bucharest) in the manner of The Fresh Prince of Bel Heir, his attempts at deliverin’ a recognisably English eggsend eventually abandoned in favour of cut-glass Norwegian.
Sample quote: “Let’s get this pårty stårted!”
William & Kate: The Movie
Lifetime, 2011
The premise: Galumphing cash-in does finger-guns at the royal newlyweds before moonwalking past reality, heritage, sense and dignity because – hey! – today’s royals [adjusts baseball cap] just wanna have fun.
Hours of: Baronial wisecracks of the “I’m not the heir, I’m just a spare!” genus. Wills locking eyes with The Duchess of Exposition over a pan of burned mince (“I think that solar power is the key to our future”). Much constitutional rhubarbing re “one’s duty”, “mother’s legacy” etc. Gum-chewing “British” students saying “school” instead of university and “jocks” instead of arseholes.
Sample quote: “I love you, Kate Middleton!”
Diana: Her True Story
NBC, 1993
The premise: Window-rattling potboiler based on Andrew Morton’s similarly slanted doorstop, with Di as a Grade II-listed neurotic and the House of Windsor recast as [breaking glass, distant scream, close-up of startled corgi] … the HOUSE OF BASTARD.
Hours of: Bullying in tweed. Victimisation in velvet. Bulimia. Di (Serena Scott Thomas, far better than she needs to be) hurling herself down a succession of staircases while indifferent Charles (David “Shameless” Threlfall) dithers, bites his lip, twiddles his cufflinks, says “ngggnn”, then goes back to pontificating on The Unbearable Lightness of Being the Duke of Cornwall (“Oh, Mummy. What to do?”).
Sample quote: “You want me to hold you? But you’re always being sick!”
The Women Of Windsor
CBS, 1992
The premise: Handwringing docudrama that bemoans Establishment intrusiveness while goggling through its own telephoto monocle at “Lady Diana Spencer” (a crying bouffant) and best buddy “Sarah Ferguson” (a horse shouting at a helicopter through a fence).
Hours of: Soft-focus conjecture, re notions of destiny and “knowing one’s place”. Palace crisis talks, re the dashed unconstitutional behaviour of the aforementioned fillies, conducted by men made entirely of plums and moustache. The Queen of Hearts blowing her nose while the narrator launches another thunderball of exposition at the wood panelling.
Sample quote: “AT SCHOOL, DIANA HAD FAILED ALL FIVE OF HER O-LEVEL EXAMINATIONS.”
Charles And Diana: A Royal Love Story
ABC, 1982
The premise: Uncharacteristically thoughtful take on the titular relationship/diplomatic incident, with hand-rubbing sensationalism swapped for steeple-fingered empathy.
Hours of: Horses. Polo necks. Horses in polo necks. Prince Charles in a polo neck on a horse, trading quips about cufflinks with Lady Di, whose conspicuous lack of either horse or polo neck establishes her as a nascent agitator who Won’t Play By The Rules, By Jove®. Scones. Charades (“Sounds like hat? Ooh! Cat!”). Di cheerily declaring that love will conquer all, “eventually!”, interspersed with stock footage of bellowing paparazzi and housewives frantically waving tea-towels with her face on. (Subtext: Oh dear).
Sample quote: “One has lost one’s perspective”.
The Crown is available on Netflix from Friday
