I’m a 52-year-old man and moved in with my new-ish partner (a 53-year-old woman) this year, ahead of the coronavirus lockdown. We enjoy sex about three times a week. She finds this insufficient and can become ill-tempered, and even angry, if she feels her desires are not being met or taken seriously. Similar dissatisfactions contributed to the collapse of her 25-year marriage four years ago. On occasion, her anger has turned to aggression, which I find unacceptable. This has placed our relationship under strain. Without her knowledge, I sometimes take erectile dysfunction medication in an effort to “keep up”, as it were. I love this woman and enjoy our intimacy, but I’m beginning to fear for our future. Any advice appreciated.
Your penis is not only connected to your sexual desire, but also to your feelings of fear and resentment. In a way, it is being uncooperative in order to protect you. You are clearly afraid – not just of the future, but of her – and that is certainly unacceptable and is affecting your erectile ability. In order to enjoy true intimacy – and function sexually the way you want – you need to feel safe, so it is important to address this issue with her. You could say: “I really enjoy making love with you, but sometimes I feel pressure from you to perform, and that puts me off. Can we please talk about finding a solution?” Listen to her and learn exactly what is important to her. Is it just pleasure, or perhaps she feels insecure and needs the validation of sex? Avoid blaming, but be frank about your feelings. Seek answers together. This conversation could save your sex life – and your relationship.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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