Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my husband since we were 23, and we’re now 32. We married five years ago and have a four-year-old son.
While I love my husband and our marriage is good, I’ve found myself fantasising a lot about having an affair.
I don’t know where it’s come from, but it might have something to do with the fact that most of my friends got together with their partners later than I did, and a couple of them are still single and dating.
I feel out of step with them and maybe feel like I’ve missed out on some fun from being in a serious relationship from a young age. I only slept with one other guy before getting together with my husband.
Our sex life is good, if a bit routine, which I suppose is true for most couples with a child.
I have no intention of actually having an affair, so why am I thinking about it? I feel quite guilty about having these feelings. I don’t fantasise about anyone in particular, just guys who catch my eye.
Is there something wrong with me or the marriage? And what should I do about it?
Coleen says
You sound bored to me. I think you need to sit down with your husband and figure out how to make the fun happen.
Say: let’s not get into a rut, let’s start dating again because I’m starting to feel like we’re an old married couple and every day is like Groundhog Day.
Your relationship has to adapt and evolve as you get older, and your 30s is a different stage of life. You’ve matured, you’re married, you’ve had a child and maybe it’s a case of: what’s next?
Maybe he also needs a kick up the bum and a reminder that you still need to feel desired.
I think fantasies are often about missing things that are lacking in your relationship. When you’ve been together a while, it’s easy to fall into the trap of getting a bit too comfortable and forgetting to make the effort for each other any more.
But instead of focusing on the negative, think about the positives – you’re still young and have the chance to create a good life together.
But someone isn’t going to come along and hand it to you on a plate. It’s up to you to find the spark again.
