I am a 20-year-old woman in a relationship with a kind and sweet 24-year-old man whom I love very much. I used to have vaginismus, which made any penetration impossible – this is now cured, but sex is still painful for me. I do not enjoy sex at all and my boyfriend is quite rough with me as he doesn’t like “vanilla sex”. I fantasise about intimacy and romance every day, but it always stays as a fantasy.
Female notions of intimacy and romance are commonly alien and mysterious to men. One should never expect a man to automatically know what those fantasies of yours are, or even to consider them important. You could educate him, by gently offering very specific suggestions: “I would like to hold hands and kiss at the cinema,” building to more challenging notions: “It would be extra exciting for me if you looked into my eyes when we make love.” When he gets it right, reward him with something he especially likes.
More importantly, you should seriously consider why you are invested in a relationship that leaves you so unfulfilled, where you are willing to put up with pain (that could well lead to a return of vaginismus), and where your partner is so blatantly ignoring your boundaries. Some people unconsciously choose relationships that repeat earlier traumas or unhappy situations. Get some help if this might apply to you; otherwise, you may spend a lifetime imbued with longing.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
