I’m 22 years old and lost my virginity to my 25-year-old partner a month ago. Since the first time, I struggle to maintain my erection and lose focus due to performance anxiety, and panic even though my partner reassures me that everything is fine. Is there anything I can do to break this cycle?
Listen to your partner and don’t create problems where there are none. You are far from the only person in the world to have these particular concerns, but if you cannot relinquish them they will interrupt your ability to enjoy sex altogether. Managing sexual anxiety is often a man’s primary lovemaking task – no matter how experienced he is. Try to remember that sex is supposed to be fun. If you even think of sex as a performance, it will make it more likely that erectile instability may occur. You are not on stage. Just focus on the moment of loving connection, laugh and develop the ability to please your partner in many different sensual ways – ask her to show you exactly how and let her know what feels best for you, too. Many men worry excessively about losing their erection, but unless there is some diagnosable erectile problem it is quite normal to lose and regain it during sex. What is important is knowing how to be relaxed if it happens, to ask for what you need to get back on track – and to be prepared to pleasure her in non-penetrative ways if it seems expedient to do so.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
