In a nutshell, I loathe my body. I feel nothing during sex or dissociate entirely – I’ll sometimes even feel a void, an emptiness where a feeling or sensation should be. I lost my virginity at 27 and not in a good way. My difficulty reading body language complicates things enormously and I’ve a basket-load of trust issues. I’ve tried guides to fixing such problems but trying to follow them made things a lot worse. I’m well into middle age with almost no experience – yet older men are supposedly attractive with wisdom, confidence and stability that I totally lack.
Dissociation is an important symptom. I suspect that your words “not in a good way” represent a vast understatement, and it is really important to address that issue as a priority. People sometimes enter dissociative states as a coping mechanism to avoid the pain of trauma or to exit an unbearable situation. However, “disappearing” in this way will not help you to heal, and healing is a necessary precursor to enjoying sex in the way you want.
Your trust issues can be solved as part of that work. I am not surprised you have not found quick “fixes” helpful, because for you it is important to look more deeply at what began your dissociative processes, learn to be present and experience pleasure. It would be difficult to achieve this by yourself, so please be brave and seek therapeutic help. As for your understandable yearning to be one of those wise, confident older souls who are desirable, know that every one has frailties and insecurities - especially when it comes to sex. Inexperience and lack of confidence are not your primary problem; the deep hurt you somehow sustained is what prevents you from enjoying what you deserve – and from being at peace with your body.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
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