I left my husband because the sex was boring and nonexistent. I’ve since met another guy and while our sex life was great for a while, when we moved in together it all but disappeared. I have to make all the moves. I found out by accident that he watches porn when I’m not home. I wouldn’t mind were it not for the fact that our sex life is dull. He never touches me or performs oral sex; it’s all me, me, me! What do I do? My sex drive is huge and I’m desperately unhappy.
Partners have to teach each other how they like to be pleasured. Everyone is different so you must be very specific in explaining – even showing – your needs to your new partner. If you always let him get away with being selfish, why would he bother trying harder to please you? He cannot read your mind any more than your ex-husband could – so take responsibility for letting him know exactly what you want. Clandestine porn watching is extremely common for men and women and does not normally negatively affect a partner’s sex life unless it becomes excessive or overly-obsessional. But discussing it could lead to an understanding of each other’s needs and fantasies – which, in turn, could enhance the erotic connection.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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