I haven’t had sex with my wife since my youngest daughter’s birth six years ago. This is due, in part, to me. After the birth, I tried assisting my wife with her weight-loss efforts, but she ignored my advice. I got fed up and avoided intercourse. I realise that my approach was not a good one and I have been making efforts for the past two years to go back to normal, but she is always running away.
You will have to be patient. It takes time to regain trust and overcome the pain of rejection. Your wife is pushing you away as a self-protective measure. She is still hurt by your punishing approach and needs substantial reassurance that it will never happen again. She also needs reassurance that you truly appreciate her, including her physical appearance.
You have learned that sex should never be used as a weapon. Your best option is to sit down and talk to your wife. Apologise sincerely, and ask what you can do to gain her trust. Ask her to express her own feelings about being physically close to you, and listen very carefully without interruption, defensiveness or turning blame back on her. She needs to feel safe with you again or she will never be comfortable with intimacy. Without proper conflict-resolution, relationships deteriorate into unhealthy patterns of avoidance, passive-aggression, escape, impasse, or a cold war – none of which can coexist with healthy lovemaking.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
