I’m a 20-year-old woman and my boyfriend is 21. We have been together for a year. While I didn’t masturbate until I was 16 and I watch pornography once every few months, I still have to fantasise about porn scenes to be able to climax when we have sex. It disgusts me, but I don’t know how else to do it. After sex, while we are trying to relax and cuddle, I am left with a lingering feeling of guilt. Help my diseased millennial mind!
Taking a practical approach in order to achieve orgasm during sex with a partner does not constitute a disease – or even something worthy of guilt. Most people make similar decisions at different times and in different situations. You are lucky to be able to trigger your own orgasm through fantasy – some people cannot.
There is no perfect way to make love; when people are invested in trying to please each other and create a relatively brief sexual exchange, they often choose expediency over pleasure. But, if you want to have truly satisfying sex with sustained pleasure, you will both have to fully relax, allocate more uninterrupted time and approach lovemaking without the goal of orgasm for either of you.
Your task should be simply to enjoy; you will have to banish distractions and focus solely on the giving and receiving of pleasure. Even so, you may feel the need to use separate fantasy to climax. This habit can be broken if you take the time to train yourself to be truly in the erotic moment.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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