Dear Eva,
I think I’ve met a great guy online with a lot of potential, but as always, there’s a catch. We exchanged about four messages a week ago in quick succession and discovered we had a ton in common, and he makes me laugh and seems to be kind and caring. We moved the conversation to Whatsapp to plan to meet up, but an upcoming business trip I have means we can’t do it for almost a month.
When I told him this he suggested we don’t speak again until I’m back and arrange to meet up. I can’t help but feel really disappointed! Isn’t this a great opportunity to keep getting to know each other until we can actually meet? Also, I really miss his emails/texts already! It was so nice to hear that little chime on my phone and know it was a message from an eligible suitor.
What do I do?
Hey, you.
You may have met a good one!
I repeat: YOU MAY HAVE MET A GOOD ONE!
The reason that I think you may have met a good one is not just that you’ve been having a great Whatsapp conversation, but because he has suggested that you take a break from the conversation.
Now, I recognize the sudden cessation of your correspondence might feel like a disappointment. Hell, it might even feel like a rejection. But there’s real wisdom and – dare I say it – maturity in this approach.
There is no more perfect boyfriend than an imaginary boyfriend. And online dating is one of the world’s best sources of imaginary boyfriends. By this I mean that it is easy, and even pleasurable, to meet someone online, to start talking with them, and then to start spending a lot of time thinking about how wonderful they are, long before you’ve met.
It’s only natural: we’re human, we like stories, and when we don’t have all the facts we need for a story we have a tendency to fill in the blanks. It’s nice to be able to indulge in this kind of behavior; it’s comforting, and less scary that engaging with a real person. But as you will know if you’ve ever watched an episode of Catfish, falling for someone based only on the information that they choose to share with you from a distance can lead to big feelings and bigger disappointments.
Lest you think I’m unsympathetic, let me tell you: I’ve been there, with a boyfriend who lasted two months until he confessed that he just wasn’t feeling it as much as he had when we had been emailing for three months pre-meeting. I couldn’t disagree: there was no way that Real Eva could be as lovable as Imagined Eva, who was definitely more beautiful and more charming than me, an ideal lover and entranced by all his anecdotes, even when he told them to her for the third time.
I think this guy may be a good one because he doesn’t want to be your imaginary boyfriend and he doesn’t want you to be his imaginary girlfriend. He wants to get to know you in person. Is there a possibility that you will still be disappointed? Sure. Does it mean that he might meet someone else in the month that you’re on pause? Unfortunately, that’s also possible, but it would also be possible if you were messaging – and that might well feel worse.
I don’t believe there’s only one person for you in the world – far from it. But if you have a good feeling about this one, try to trust that he will still be good for you a month from now. Maybe go crazy and suggest nailing down the day you actually will meet, so you have something to look forward to. And then live the next month as if it’s the last one you’ll be single. It could be. And if it isn’t, you’ll still have a nice month.
Either way, please let us know what happens.
Love,
Eva
