I was in a meeting once with some TV executives and they told me that men are 57% more likely to watch a programme if the title includes the word "ultimate". It's a siren call we can't resist, making us emerge from a channel-surfing-induced stupor. "Hang on a minute, did that say 'ultimate'? I think it did. Honey, switch the answer machine on, this is going to be one hell of a show."
There's stuff like Ultimate Machines on Five, which can even make steam engines sound interesting, and all those Ultimate Top 100 TV Moments shows. Then there's the seminal Ultimate Force in which SAS hero Ross Kemp wheezes around the world (well Shepperton Studios) battling terrorists while looking like he's searching for his pile cream.
The best programme of all, however, is Ultimate Fighting, a little known American sport which, at the moment, is only shown on satellite TV. It's the daddy of all combat sports and I'm a total fan-boy.
Basically it's like that bit in Mad Max 2 where Mel has to fight that really hard bloke in the Thunderdome. The rules amount to this: two men fight each other in a cage. Let me run that by you again: a cage. It's called the Octagon and, just like the film, two men enter but only one leaves. They punch, grapple, wrestle, kick and stalk each other until someone is sparked out or submits to a variety of gruesome holds and chokes.
My wife thinks I've become a homosexual because she often catches me on the sofa at 2am watching men grappling with other men wearing only tight hotpants and fingerless gloves (that's their outfits, not mine).
Now this may sound like your average Saturday night at Yates's Wine Lodge but, believe me, these guys are in top shape and are masters of boxing, grappling and ju jitsu. It's a discipline that's on the up and I think all the other major sports could be revitalised by being ultimatised (if that's a word).
When the cricket bandwagon rolls out of town, people will realise it's still the same boring old game in need of reform. And before you rush at me with the county cricket attendance figures, don't forget some of those spectators have passed away in their sleep. Wouldn't it be more exciting if the outfield was a minefield and, instead of a cricket ball, the bowlers used hand grenades for Test matches and Ninja stars for one-dayers? Richie Benaud was always banging on about pigeons. Why not award extra runs for bagging a couple during a match? I'd love to see Freddie Flintoff bowling with a small-bore rifle slung over his shoulder.
The Olympics are great but there are too many winners and there's no real climax. What it needs is the Ultimate Olympian contest. After the closing ceremony the swimming pool is drained and all the participants are put in it for an almighty smackdown. Imagine Michael Phelps getting Darren Campbell in a choke hold, while a cornered Dame Kelly Holmes desperately tries to hold off a blood-crazed Sir Matthew Pinsent. Witness a Russian gymnast trying to vault to safety only to be cruelly knocked from the air by a shot putt to the head. The sight of Oliver Skeete running down the Italian coxless pair in a cavalry charge for the gold could breathe fresh life into London 2012.
Yachting is, in my mind, pointless and boring. Let's have special aristocrats' games for stuff like this and, when races get dull, what if spectators livened things up by taking pot shots at them with spud guns and air rifles?
I enjoy a good 1500 metres as much as the next man but why not have chimpanzees on tiny motorbikes riding up and down the width of the track with athletes trying to dodge them?
I've long been a fan of rhythmic gymnastics, which is why I think ITV should get the fighters to do it before the bout and add the marks to their scorecards. Ricky Hatton could show us some tricks on the vault and Jim Rosenthal would look dead fit in lycra. (My computer has put a green line under that last line. No grammatical error. It just isn't right).
Spot the bored
Thanks for your accounts of sports stars doing everyday things. Chris Jameson chipped in with: "You want mundane? How about Gareth Southgate buying an album by Keane, who epitomise all that is mundane and humdrum?" Eagle-eyed reader Shaun Smith saw Marcel Desailly enrolling his child for swimming classes at Putney Leisure Centre. But my favourite is from Duncan Watkins. "John Terry in John Lewis buying a fridge. I've never seen a man so bored in my life. Unsurprisingly, he was dressed in free Umbro leisure wear and flip-flops - the footballer's uniform." Duncan goes on to say that he made the mistake of telling his wife's friend and the very next weekend she dragged her poor man around said store on the chance of a return visit from JT looking for a matching cooker. Thanks everyone. Keep them coming to sport.stuff@guardian.co.uk
