I am what most people would consider a feminist, independent young woman. I am an ambitious person, invested in equality and fairness for all. I am not, never have been, and never will be a doormat. Yet, since I hit puberty, I have had fantasies that horrify and dismay me: rape, bondage and other disturbing things are the main features. Am I crazy? Should I get help?
Many people are disturbed by their fantasies. When these are scenarios involving non-consensual or coercive sexual acts, they can be troubling but in no way whatsoever do they imply you are inviting such realities. If there is any question you feel that you may be at risk of such, then help should be sought immediately. But otherwise, like dreams, they are expressions of unconscious processes over which we have no control. Surveys have shown that it is extremely common for women to have rape or bondage fantasies, and these seem to surface despite their beliefs or ideology. We also know that the most tantalising eroticism is usually created when there is a strong taboo element, especially in your case – your imaginings are all the more exciting because they are in opposition to your feminist sensibility. But your fantasies are private to you. You do not need to share them with anyone. Try to compartmentalise these apparently polarised aspects of your complex self and be accepting. Your guilt about them only enhances their power.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
