‘It was four years from my first experience to my first orgasm (thanks, David)’
I grew up in the 70s when we were being urged all the time by the media and the guys – “You can, so why don’t you?” For a long time, I did it because it was expected. It was four years from my first experience to my first orgasm (thanks, David).
There were a couple of long, dry spells caused by location and friend groups. But the internet has helped a lot now. And I’ve had the chance to explore, leading to my discovery that I also like sex with women. Not a lot – my preference is men – but I like sex.
Most guys are pleased that I take an active part it in all, although some are intimidated by a woman who knows what she wants.
Female, 51
‘It was magical’
I lost my virginity two weeks ago and it was magical. I can’t wait to experience sex again
Female, 17
‘When I got to my 50s I discovered BDSM’
I was a slow starter; I blame boarding school. But when I was a postgraduate student in the Swinging Sixties things took off. I realised for the first time that girls actually like sex; well, most of them. I got married but my wife and I agreed on an open relationship. I had more partners than she did. I remember going to a party and realising I’d had sex with five girls in the room. I told myself I was making up for lost time, but it was just sexual greed really.
When I got to my 50s I discovered BDSM. I began to meet girls who liked that sort of thing. Unfortunately my wife didn’t, and that’s when we drifted apart. Then I started a sex blog. I got a lot of women readers asking me how they could get their husbands to spank them. I would reply that you are either into it or you are not.
I met some of my readers and had some amazing experiences with confident, attractive women who just wanted someone else to take charge in the bedroom. Almost all of them were married; I know it’s a cliche, but they said their husbands didn’t understand them.
Now I’m married again, to a wonderful woman much younger than me. But each of us has other partners when we want. I feel so lucky. I’ve had about 50 partners and am grateful to every one of them.
Male, 74
‘We have hired a dungeon on occasions’
Two female sexual partners. Married them both. Current wife 27.
Sexual intercourse three times a week (on average) after a variety of foreplay “routines”. Some light BDSM. We have hired a dungeon on occasions. No anal. No threesomes, groups, etc.
Rich fantasy life which we share with each other which may include fantasies of involving others but we both understand the boundary between reality and fantasy. Sex is about intimacy and it is a vital part of our relationship. It keeps us close. The best part of sex is the cuddle afterwards.
Male, 57
‘I equated sex with being wanted’
Currently very quiet – I’m five months pregnant and my husband and I have somewhat lost interest. However, he’s my 50th sexual partner and I do feel that I had my fun years ago!
But then it wasn’t always fun. I look back and see that I had such trouble saying no, I equated sex with being wanted. I was desperate to be loved. I much prefer sex in a relationship, and I’m really happy with our sex life now.
Female, 37
‘Tragically, the few girls I have really loved have not been good in bed’
I have slept with approximately 20 women from seven different countries. These are the realities of sex that I have discovered:
1) I have never had bad sex from a woman over 30 years old. I have very rarely had good sex from a woman under 25 years old.
2) I can go for long periods, months, without bothering about sex. Then the floodgates break and I shag around relentlessly.
3) Tragically, the few girls I have really loved have not been good in bed. There may be some psychological issue at work here.
4) Some women are easy to give orgasms. Some really aren’t. Whose fault is this? Mine?
5) Physical beauty is no substitute for heart-felt sexual passion.
6) Never be shy of your body. Make a point of boldly striding around the room stark bollock naked, both before and after sex.
7) Post-coital music should be vintage jazz or ambient electro/trance.
8) The best sex I ever had was with a 48-year-old woman who slipped me her phone number on a bus (I was 28). She was absolutely rampant. If I could relive any day of my life, that would be the one.
Male, 33
‘Nobody has ever called me a slut because I have always been low-key about my sex life’
I am almost 21 years old and have been with 10 men. This averages out to sleeping with two guys per year since I became sexually active at 16. Nobody has ever called me a slut because I have always been low-key about my sex life.
I don’t date men who ask me what my “number” is because that question is only ever asked for the purpose of judging, not actually trying to get to know me.
Female, 20
‘For a long time I couldn’t understand why I didn’t exactly fit in with the gay scene’
Being trans, my sex history is a bit complex. Living as a male, I was a late starter and didn’t lose my virginity until the age of 20. I always felt very awkward and repressed even talking about sex, and was forever envious of others who weren’t. The first few times were only with women, but later I slept with men as well and found that I enjoyed this side of my sexuality more, and was more relaxed.
Being transgender and not really understanding this properly until my 30s certainly made things very confusing for me. I rotated between periods of monogamy, promiscuity and complete celibacy. For a long time I couldn’t understand why I didn’t exactly fit in with the gay scene, but the different experiences really helped me figure out who I was.
Once I started to switch my gender role, I felt much more comfortable about how I related to my partners and the number of people I slept with increased, including some great mixed group sex a few times. I look very young for my age, which made it easy to find hook-ups. I’d had more than a hundred partners, mostly male, by the time I settled with my current boyfriend. Our relationship is highly sexual, and wouldn’t work if it wasn’t – that’s why I chose him and love him.
Female, 44
‘We were a year into the relationship when I confessed that I’d never had an orgasm with him’
I first had sex at the age of 32, two days after my first kiss. The opportunity had never arisen before. It was a holiday fling. I was a bit of a stunned gazelle.
One year later, returning to the country where I’d had the fling in the ridiculous hope of meeting him again, I entered into my first ever relationship with an entirely different man. I’m still in it to this day. It’s long-distance – we live on different continents and neither of us is ever likely to be in a position to relocate. We go months on end without seeing each other and we don’t have sexual relations with anyone else in the interim, so I tend to feel there’s a lot of pressure for all manner of things to be perfect.
We were a year into the relationship when I confessed that I’d never had an orgasm with him. I find it very difficult to ask for what I want, so it’s taken a bit of trial and error, but I have an orgasm about 60% of the time now. He’s never performed oral sex and I’ve never asked him to, though I sometimes do it for him. He’s very tender. Very cuddly. If we were able to live together I think we’d start a family. It’s strange knowing that isn’t going to be an option.
And I’m still in love with the first man.
Female, 39
‘After we married, I discovered that my wife thought sex was dirty’
My wife and I married as virgins, largely because we were brought up to behave properly. I now know this was a dreadful deception.
Best advice to the young: always have sex together before you marry, so as to have a chance of discovering that one of you does not in fact want sex. In that case, stay friends but marry someone else.
So, after we married, I discovered that my wife thought sex was dirty, and couldn’t imagine ever being hungry for it, but was willing to be a dutiful wife if required. This was a bad start – and it was all downhill from there on. Our sex life went from desultory to once-every-few-months to once-a-year to… none. And has remained so for 25 years.
Why did I not leave? On my wedding day I made a public promise – the marriage vow. I will not give people their chance to condemn me for breaking my word.
Male, 59
‘Being put in a dominant role in sex was a revelation’
I’m a classical serial monogamist. I lost my virginity aged 17 to a boyfriend who was inexperienced, too, had a series of boyfriends, usually one at a time with the exception of a one-night stand. I was faithful to my husband for 25 years, we parted and I’ve been with my partner since then.
Having spent 25 years in the same sort of sex life, the change to a new person was a shock, especially when I discovered his interest in BDSM. I knew very little about it.
Being put in a dominant role in sex was a revelation – while I don’t think I am naturally dominant or controlling, I can get some enjoyment from that role, but it is the explicit agreement and discussion about limits, desires, fantasies which is so refreshing.
People who don’t know much about it think of BDSM relationships as abusive, but it’s not at all. People are so different in their desires and fantasies… It works so much better to deepen a relationship if you really know the other person’s wishes. I like the idea of exploring someone’s whole being, and being brought into their secret inner world is a pleasure in itself. My aunts both said they’d rather have a massage or a cup of tea by the time they were my age, and I don’t know that I will ever feel like that about it.
I like sex, I like feeling that there is a sexual side to me still, and I want to keep that as I get older.
Female, 57
‘We have great uncomplicated and exciting sex’
My partner and I have been together 20 years and have always had a good sex life. We have shared similar fantasies and enjoy watching porn together. About five years ago I discussed my fantasy of having a threesome with her. She did not want a woman brought into the relationship but admitted the thought of having two men was very exciting.
We had a good friend who we knew was sexually liberal and after a meal and a lot of wine asked if he would be interested. I suggested that we ask him if he would start by filming us make love then see what followed.
We arranged an evening some weeks in advance. The anticipation was extraordinary and although we were all very nervous, we were incredibly aroused as well. Following a meal by candlelight and a lot of wine, my wife and I stood up and started kissing. Our friend grabbed the camera and began filming. Soon my wife and I were naked and having sex.
After a while our friend was naked and my wife alternated lovers. Since then we have got together several times a year. Mostly they are planned well in advance and a few days before there are a lot of provocative texts sent back and forth. We have great uncomplicated and exciting sex. We often talk about it when it is just the two of us making love. It’s been a great addition to our relationship and I’d recommend to any couple who love each other and enjoy uninhibited sex.
Male, 62
