I am a 31-year-old woman who dislikes receiving oral sex. I’ve never enjoyed it. My boyfriend is understanding but I know he feels cheated of part of our sex life – he enjoys it but I just lie there feeling embarrassed and wishing it was over.
You do not have to like every aspect of lovemaking, and there are no rules where you have to receive just because he does. Sexual coercion can take many forms, and continuing to ask to give oral sex after you have been clear about your dislike of it is inappropriate at best. But, equally, learning to enjoy it is possible, depending on the exact reasons for your rejection of it.
Receiving oral sex is an extremely intimate act, and it is not uncommon for a woman to dislike it. Some simply dislike the sensation generally, while others find their partners’ technique uninspiring. In the latter case, being brave enough to guide a partner very clearly and patiently will often produce excellent results. Reward him with words or sounds when he gets it right. Some women enjoy simultaneous manual penetration, so you could see if that makes things more enjoyable. Using a sex toy at the same time might also help.
Some women have never become sufficiently comfortable with their bodies to enjoy oral sex without worrying about appearance or odour; unfortunately the myths about the female vaginal scent, and incorrect notions of “normality”, influence women as well as men. If these are issues for you, research the facts.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
