Dear Coleen
I’m finding buying gifts for people such a tedious task that I no longer want to do it and I don’t want to receive them either.
I would be quite happy with a homemade card. Buying gifts no longer brings me any joy, especially when you feel you have to because it’s Mother’s Day or Easter, or whatever. I also hate seeing all the shops filled with overpriced rubbish that will end up in landfill.
I’ve been feeling like this for a few years, but I actually put effort into people’s presents last Christmas, even though I didn’t want to participate. When I opened my gifts, though, I was shocked by some of the junk I received.
Some items were secondhand and I know they were bought from a car-boot sale because my mother goes to them regularly. To say I was gutted is an understatement. I was so angry and hurt, I drove round to the clothes bank and shoved it all in the donation bin, so I didn’t have to look at it.
I honestly would prefer nothing and I actually cried! I am not ungrateful, even though it sounds like I am, I was just sad.
Can I ask your opinion – am I being unreasonable? I just don’t like the feelings all of this creates in me.
What advice would you give to this reader? Have your say in the comment section
Coleen says
It doesn’t sound like this is about money, but that could be a way of explaining it to people – simply say you can’t afford it.
I think there’s something deeper at play here and you need to look inside yourself and be honest. You found the presents at Christmas insulting, is it because these gifts made you feel less valued than other people?
I understand how you feel about the commercialisation of anniversaries and holidays – there’s a card for everything from your divorce to your dog’s birthday, but you can filter that out.
If I send a card or present, I never do it thinking, “You’d better give one back and it had better be good” or “I’m only spending a fiver on you because that’s what you spent on me”.
Sending a card or a note or giving a “vintage” (ahem) gift is about reminding someone you care about them. Maybe what you’re saying is, you don’t feel cared for and maybe that’s the conversation you should be having with your family.
But it would be good for you to understand your cynicism and anger towards receiving or giving gifts because it feels a bit like you’re cutting yourself off and want to be on the outside of things. I think that would make me feel lonely.
