I am a 23-year-old woman and just had sex for the first time. I pretended to enjoy it but it was uncomfortable – I just wanted it to be over, and was relieved that it didn’t go on too long. I now feel disgusted and ashamed. I don’t want to try it again, but I don’t know how to tell the guy this. We haven’t been dating long, so I feel like it would be best to break it off. I feel sick at the thought of ever having sex again. Is it normal to feel like this?
It is not unusual to have an uncomfortable “first time”. But even some relatively experienced people tell themselves they “should” be having sex and enjoying it when actually they are not ready or are flat-out uninterested. Sometimes this pressure is exerted on them by friends, cultural beliefs or perhaps what they see on the internet. Please try to let go of the idea that you have to behave in a certain way – including putting up with “disgusting” experiences – just to feel “normal”. Clearly you do not want to be sexual right now; in fact you could happily not even date. Take your time to decide what you really want – or don’t want – and in the meantime do not bow to pressure from peers or would-be partners. Sex can be far better than the way you experienced it, although – as part of one’s erotic trial and error – it may not always be enjoyable. Listen to your intuition and, for now, avoid situations that could lead to feeling that you should comply with others’ expectations. Consider revisiting the possibility of sex only when you feel a sense of safety as well as strong, genuine erotic desire for someone. Say to this man you have been dating that, at this point, you are not interested in a rerun; his response will tell you a lot about him.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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