Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my late 20s and pregnant with my boyfriend’s child. It wasn’t planned at all, but we’re going ahead with it. It’s complicated, though, as we live in a flat share with another guy whom we’ve been close friends with since we were all at university together.
My main issue is that before I found out I was expecting a baby, I realised I had feelings for our flatmate. I’d picked up that he liked me in that way, too, and one night on our way back from the pub, we kissed. In my head, I’d planned to move out and end things with my boyfriend – and then I discovered I was pregnant.
It all feels like such a mess. My boyfriend has no clue how I feel about our friend and I know he’d be shocked and angry about it.
I’ve had one conversation with my friend, but it didn’t get us anywhere. We both just kept saying, “What a mess. What can we do?”
For me, having a termination wasn’t an option and by the time I realised I was pregnant I was four and a half months into it, so it felt very real.
Can you give me some advice? I simply don’t know what to do.
What advice would you give to this reader? Have your say in the comment section
Coleen says
This is complicated, but I think if you can, you have to try to separate the pregnancy from how you feel about your boyfriend going forward. It may not be your ideal scenario, but you don’t have to be together to raise the child and to be good parents.
You were obviously thinking about moving on from the relationship until you found out about the pregnancy and staying with him because of the baby isn’t going to suddenly make you feel differently about that. In fact, if anything, it’ll put enormous pressure on you both.
I think the best thing for you would be to take time out from relationships full stop, focus on the baby and see how you feel a few months down the line.
You haven’t said how this other guy feels about you being pregnant. Starting a new relationship in these circumstances with someone who’s not the father is a huge risk – you won’t have the space to be a couple and to get to know each other intimately. It’ll be full on once the baby arrives.
If you’re meant to be together, he’ll give you the time you need.
Get support and advice from your family and friends, and don’t rush into making any big decisions. It’s important to take a step back and give yourself a chance to adjust to the situation.
