Keeping secrets in relationships isn't a great idea, especially if the secret is something as monumental as not sharing the information that you have a child.
A man was left wondering whether he was in the wrong after he took his girlfriend, who he'd been with for four or five months to a fancy dinner - only to learn, out of the blue, she had a 12-year-old daughter that she'd never mentioned.
Horrified by the confession, and her attitude toward the situation, he left her to pick up the bill, which was very pricey, but he was then wondering whether he took it too far, so asked Reddit's 'Am I the a**hole' forum for advice.
He wrote: "I (35M) been dating this woman (34F) for about four to five months now. We met online and initially, everything went great. Except for one thing...
"We got this deal going where she plans everything and I pay for everything. I spend most of my time working so her planning for stuff is actually a huge bonus to me. And I make a LOT more money than she does so her paying doesn't really make sense. But still she kept feeling guilty and saying she's definitely gonna pay for one of these dates eventually but she's 'just so broke right now'.
"I told her several times that I actually like this setup... stop worrying about it... makes no difference to me who pays for dinner... financial support is not something I require in a partner whatsoever. But still no matter what I said she kept feeling guilty about it. I kinda thought maybe it's because she has a pretty decent job so she should NOT be broke but probably has poor money management skills so maybe feels a little ashamed for it or something along those lines."
However, he was soon to learn that it was nothing to do with poor money management, and more to do with who her money was being spent on.
He continued: "Anyway, her birthday comes and I just straight up asked her if she wanted anything for it. She mentioned this restaurant she's been wanting to go to for a while but it's pricey so she never has and it's not a big deal if we don’t go but blah blah blah.
"I made reservations and we're at the place, everything's going fine until some friend of hers walks in, notices her, and stops by to say hi. During that conversation, the friend asks about her daughter. At first, I thought it was some kind of an inside joke or something but nope... they really were talking about her daughter which I had no idea existed till now.
"The friend finally leaves and I ask her 'you have kids?'. She goes 'yeah I have a daughter she's 12 her name is...' In a really nonchalant tone of voice. So I'm like 'wtf? You didn't figure to mention this before? Why am I finding out like this?' And she goes 'I don't owe you every single detail of my life'.
"And I kinda just froze while staring at her. Didn’t know what to say. This isn't how she normally speaks. The whole thing seemed so bizarre. I couldn't wrap my head around it at all, she has major guilt about who pays for dates but she hid having a kid like it's nothing? I guess my staring made her uncomfortable though, so she excused herself to the bathroom.
"While she was gone, the more I thought about it the more I kept just getting progressively angrier. So, mostly to avoid making a scene, I got up and left. Leaving her with a $500-600 (£415-498) bill and the uber ride home.
"I expected a barrage of angry texts and calls on the way home, but no, I got just one message 'did you seriously just get up and leave?' Then this morning a long message trying to explain things. At first, I didn't really feel any guilt at all. But now I'm less angry, I'm realising she probably doesn't even have the money for that dinner.
"Might end up paying credit card interest for it for who knows how long. And it's her kid who's ultimately gonna end up suffering for this. Which isn't fair at all. I don't know, am I the a**hole here?"
People were shocked at the secret, suggesting that the man didn't see her romantically again as she'd duped him.
One wrote: "Venmo her the money and move on. The most important aspect of her life was hidden from you for five months and she had zero intention of telling you. She wasn't your girlfriend. You were her sugar daddy. Not the a**hole."
Someone else said: "My thought before even finding out she had a kid was that she was using him because he would always pay. Who suggests someone take them to a restaurant where dinner for two would be $600 when they would never ever be able to reciprocate? He left because he felt used.
"The fact that he is concerned that her child might suffer because he stuck her with the bill is a clear sign that he is a nice guy. I do hope he Venmos her the money and moves on. This girl is an idiot and ruined a good thing because she was not honest."
"A lie of omission, but still a lie nonetheless", another fumed.
A mum raged: "Agree with the resolution - but one additional comment. First dates are about getting to know each other, finding out who the other person seems to be, and seeing if there's a basis for a relationship. HAVING A KID IS A PRETTY ESSENTIAL ELEMENT TO THAT. Sorry for shouting, but I'm a mum.
"Not in a dating pool, but any personal discussion I have been having over the last 24 years includes my daughter, if only in passing. She is the most important part of my life. This 'dating partner' betrayed not only the original poster, but also her own child by erasing her existence.
"That last bit makes her cross the line from a**hole to something even worse, in my view, and someone the original poster absolutely must run from."
What would you do in this situation? Let us know in the comments.
