Dear Coleen
A few years ago, I found out my wife of 20 years had an affair with an old friend, which lasted about 18 months until he was relocated with his job.
I forgave her and decided to move on for the sake of our two kids. She explained it by saying we’d been through a tough time in our marriage – stress of children and financial pressure.
All the same, I didn’t have an affair and I was under the same pressure as she was.
Things have been OK between us since then – really good even at times – but then I found out recently by accident that she’d been messaging this guy.
I confronted her about it and she didn’t try to deny it, but she told me it was innocent and just a friendly conversation.
Although they’re not having a physical relationship I’m so angry about it. It’s raked up lots of horrible memories and I don’t get why she wants to be in touch with him unless she still has feelings for him.
I feel betrayed all over again and don’t know if I can ever trust her. I’ve been thinking a lot about calling it quits and moving on, but the thought of breaking up the family hurts.
I’d love to know your thoughts – I don’t think I’m overreacting. Do you?
Coleen says
It sounds like you’ve put up with a lot and have tried really hard to move on from what happened. But I think when your trust is shattered a second time, what can happen, even if you still love the person, is that something inside dies and you realise you’ll never feel the same way about them again.
When she got back in touch with this guy, she must have known it was risky and that you’d be upset and angry if you found out, even if there was no physical relationship.
Staying friends with him just isn’t possible if she wants to remain married to you.
Because you’ve forgiven her affair, maybe she thinks you’ll never leave her, no matter what she does. One of my exes didn’t believe I was leaving until the removal men turned up!
If you feel there’s no other choice but to move on from your marriage, then don’t stay because you’re trying to do what’s best for your kids. No child wants their parents to split up but, equally, living in a home with warring parents or where the atmosphere is difficult, is not good for their wellbeing.
If you haven’t tried relationship counselling in the past, now might be a good time to give it a shot.
If it doesn’t help you stay together, it could help you separate in a way that’s easier for everyone.
Good luck.
