Losing a child is any parent's worst nightmare, and it's hard to imagine how you'd react in the circumstances.
After her son Chris was killed in 2001, Vi Donovan and her husband Ray made the decision to forgive the boys responsible, and now campaign for restorative justice around the UK. Here, she shares her emotional story with woman&home.
"On the evening of Friday 26 May 2001, the two youngest of our four children, Christopher and Phil, then 18 and 17, had met for a pizza after Phil finished work," remembers Vi. "My husband Ray and I were in bed when the doorbell rang just after 1am. Two policemen were on the doorstep – the boys had been involved in an altercation and Chris was seriously injured."
"Immediately, we rushed to the hospital, where Chris was in the operating theatre and Phil was covered in blood. He explained that he’d been walking down the road with Chris when a big group of youths came towards them. Completely unprovoked, one boy had punched Phil on the nose, knocking him to the ground, and a group of them started kicking him.
"Chris tried to pull them off, and they wrestled him to the ground, stamped on his head and kicked him in the face. Then they ran away, leaving Chris unconscious in the middle of a road, where a car hit him."
"I wanted to escape the nightmare"
"When the doctor came in, his face told us what he was going to say. Our lovely son Christopher – a hard-working, fun-loving boy who was always laughing – died on the operating table that night, just a week away from his 19th birthday.
"Ray fell to the floor. I ran out of the room. I wanted to go home, wake up and escape the nightmare.
"A policeman grabbed me and I went berserk, punching and kicking him. Rage exploded out of me.
"Physically, Phil wasn’t badly hurt, and was released from hospital that night. But he was traumatised and blamed himself. I think he’s always felt guilty, which is so unfair. Even now, 24 years later, he still has flashbacks."
Losing our son
"We had to identify our son – his poor face was smashed in and just about every bone in his body had been broken. Later, forensic evidence showed that his brain was dying before the car struck him.
"They wouldn’t let us hug him – he’s a crime scene, they said.
"On the way home, Ray said that, as Christians, we must forgive the boys who did this. Filled with anger, I told him they were animals who did not deserve forgiveness.
"The police picked up the boys responsible within 24 hours. Aged 15, 16 and 19, they were high on drink and crack – an accident waiting to happen. They were arrested for murder.
"In the months that followed I clung to my rage, hating the world and pushing everyone away.
"But as their 2002 trial approached, something started to shift within me when my six-year-old granddaughter, Rena, refused to sit on my lap one day, saying, ‘You’re not nice any more.’ It dawned on me that the hatred I held inside was hurting those I loved the most."
No remorse
"The boys who killed my son showed no remorse at their trial. But in court, their parents looked almost as shattered as us and compassion grew within me.
"All three boys were found guilty – the older two were given life in prison with a minimum of nine and 10 years. The youngest was given a minimum of six years.
"There was no cheering, no joy. It just felt terribly sad, and I began to understand that forgiveness was the only way to free myself from the hatred that was poisoning me."
"In 2003, one of the offenders contacted us from prison saying he wanted to meet and apologise. I wasn’t ready but we wrote to all three boys, explaining that we’d chosen to forgive them.
"Seven years later, we learnt that the youngest of the boys wanted to meet through a process of restorative justice, whereby the victims and offenders come together. The idea is that offenders acknowledge responsibility for their actions and are hopefully able to move forward in a positive way.
"For victims, hearing honesty and remorse can help heal the pain and, by then, we were open to the idea of a face-to-face meeting, and decided to go ahead."
"A huge weight fell from all of us. It felt unbelievable"
"It didn’t mean we missed Chris any less – over the years, we’d missed our lovely boy every single day, and many times I was overwhelmed with grief, as birthdays and other family events came and went without him. On the day of the meeting, I was terrified at the thought of coming face-to-face with the person who was responsible for this pain.
"Our son’s killer was a grown man by then, but I could still see the 15-year-old child from court. This time, though, his remorse was as clear as day.
"To my surprise, I hugged him and said, ‘Have the life that Chris couldn’t and make it a good one. We forgive you.’
"He burst into tears, saying ‘I was a 15-year-old coward, and I murdered your son. That’s the truth, and I’m sorry.’
"A huge weight fell from all of us. The feeling was unbelievable.
"Since then, we’ve also met the other two boys, and it was equally emotional. Two are now leading good lives, with a positive future. The third hasn’t had such a good outcome, but we hope he may yet turn his life around."
A way to move on
"Ray and I campaign extensively for restorative justice, telling our story in prisons, schools and youth clubs around the country. We set up The Chris Donovan Trust, a charity to educate prisoners and young people on the impact of violent crime, and in 2018 we both received MBEs for our work.
"Restorative justice is about understanding, truth and finding a way to move on. Some victims don’t want to forgive, and that’s OK. But for us, forgiveness has given us back our lives. I choose not to live in anger. I choose to forgive, and I make that choice every minute of every day."
This article first appeared in the May 2025 issue of woman&home magazine. Subscribe to the magazine for £6 for 6 issues.
