My boyfriend is 17, I am 19. We have been dating for five months and have sex once a week, sometimes more. It starts off good, but then it just never seems to end and becomes dull because he hardly ever finishes. I have really strong feelings for him but our sex life is like the elephant in the room.
All that’s missing is communication, so initiate a frank conversation. First, put him at ease by letting him know you have strong feelings for him, and that you particularly enjoy sex at the beginning of each lovemaking session. Then ask if he’s noticed that the erotic spark between you seems to plateau for too long, and if he can help you to figure out why. A plateau phase is actually a normal aspect of the human sexual response cycle, but in your case it goes on for too long. Try to work together on a solution, and be brave enough to share your individual experiences. You might say: “At a certain point, I always start feeling anxious about whether or not you’re still enjoying it. Does the same thing happen to you?” Eventually you can become more specific: “Does something distract you? I’m wondering if there’s something I could do – or not do.” Choose your words carefully, and avoid being goal-oriented about orgasm. If possible, encourage each other to ask specifically for what you need, when you need it; that is the essence of good lovemaking.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
