I have recently met a very good friend and lover from more than 40 years ago. The sex is just as good, if not better! We both enjoy “dirty” talk during lovemaking, but I find it difficult to spontaneously use the F-word and other rude words. I get 100% satisfaction from our sex. He says the same – but I suspect it is only 99%.
Fortunately, your lover is clearly turned on by your genuine expression of pleasure rather than something forced or faked. And he may even enjoy the fact that you are verbally a little shy. Don’t try to bypass your natural discomfort. The kinds of words you prefer to avoid are not essential aspects of erotic conversation. The art is best executed through a frank and honest description of your desires and feelings – in language that might stretch your limit, but never overstep it.
Erotic conversation does not only involve talking; listening is just as important. You are the receiver of his words, and he is gauging your reaction to them. Show him what you like by responding with movements, sounds or more words. Likewise, you can learn – from his response to your words – what stimulates him the most. Long-term, good lovemaking involves being open to learning about your partner’s responses – and, just as importantly, about your own.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
