Before my fiancee and I got together, we had frank discussions about our sexual desires. A few years later I feel that I was misled or lied to. I feel a great sense of loss and sadness. It turns out that she has had a far freer past than I, and I was misled about this too. She is very selfish and demands constant attention, but it is not reciprocated. Any hint of unhappiness on my part is taken as a criticism.
There are many reasons why you might have chosen to spend several years with a woman who seems to make you unhappy, and it is worth seeking the answer: perhaps you have a deep sense of unworthiness, a belief that you do not deserve better, or simply do not know how to get your needs met.
However, you raised some grievances that particularly require explanation. First, having “frank discussions about sexual desires” is often an aspect of seduction that should not be taken at face value – it is a sort of foreplay. Second, due to the double standards that still exist, it is rare, especially for a woman, to be perfectly frank about her past liaisons.
Regarding your point about communication: it is possible you are indeed presenting your issues in a critical manner. Try to have a non-blaming conversation in which you help her to understand your pain, and then listen to her feelings. And in the same accepting style, help her to feel safe in explaining exactly what her true sexual boundaries are; then you can make an informed decision about your future.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
