I am in my early 40s, the eldest of four children and the only single sibling. My youngest brother lived with my parents until last year and my other two brothers live abroad.
I always assumed at least two of us would be home for Christmas. Until two years ago, there were never fewer than six people in my parents’ home for Christmas. Last year my two siblings abroad didn’t come home.
None of my siblings made any effort to speak to me on this, and it was left to my mother to tell me it would be only the three of us for Christmas last year. I have now found out I will be the only one spending Christmas with my parents again.
My mother says she is OK with it, although I can’t help but think she must be at least slightly hurt, so my issue isn’t even around my parents’ feelings. My problem is how hurt and angry I am, and I guess I want someone to confirm if these feelings are valid or if I am being unfair/hysterical?
I am trying to stay rational, but burst into tears every time I think of a second Christmas with only three of us. I haven’t broached it with my siblings because I fear I’m going to make the situation worse. After all, our mother seems fine so what right does a mere sibling have to feel slighted and (as I’m sure they’d point out) it’s mostly my own choice to be single and child-free… even if it does prove convenient for them at times like this.
I think the answer is in something you said in your longer letter: “After all, I have nowhere else to be so they can be sure that someone will be with our parents.” Your siblings have choices, you feel you don’t.
Your reaction is understandable but it is a little extreme, and it’s the dissonance between those two points we need to look at because I think it’s not really just about Christmas. This time of year often shows up areas of our lives that we are not happy with.
Sometimes we don’t like the way others act because what they are doing is not nice, or fair. And sometimes we don’t like it because other people do or say what we would like to, but feel we cannot. I think that is what is happening here. You are the eldest and I wonder if that makes you feel responsible. I wonder if you feel that as your parents get older, it will also always be you stepping in?
When people don’t routinely tell us things (as you say your siblings don’t to you, viz going to the parental home for Christmas), it’s usually because they fear our reaction and how that will make them feel. In your siblings’ case, they probably feel guilty or are worried about being admonished, either directly or through silence or the tone of any conversations.
What really struck me was how childlike your response was to the fact your siblings aren’t “coming home” for Christmas (I’m not berating you for that, lots of adults feel the same) and how you still see yourself very much as part of that family, where your brothers do not. It seems to me that your identity is still enmeshed with your place as eldest daughter, while your brothers have forged other identities as fathers and husbands.
Are you going home for Christmas for your parents, or for you? If the latter, then I think you have to try to look at this differently: you are doing what you want for Christmas, you are with your parents, and what your brothers do is really up to them. If you are going for your parents’ sake, what would happen if you didn’t go one year? I note you said there’s nowhere else you had to be, but is there somewhere else you’d rather be? And, if so, why aren’t you doing this? Do you and your parents discuss this? How do they feel about you coming every year? Maybe they would also like to do something different.
If there is somewhere you’d rather be, then my advice is that next year you should do it. Or perhaps you should go away for Christmas, spend it elsewhere with friends, or invite people (family or friends) to your home. You don’t have to tell your brothers. But take control of your Christmases and make a positive decision about it so you don’t feel like the default offspring with no options.
• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
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