For years now, whenever I have sex, I feel disgusted with myself immediately afterwards – other than with the odd partner. The common theme with these people is that they don’t get all “lovey dovey” or insecure about anything and simply want to have sex and no more. What is wrong with me?
Some people cannot tolerate being seen for what they are: sexual beings. This can be a result of highly negative, ingrained beliefs about sex from childhood, or it may be trauma-based. In all cases, people tend to be fairly unmotivated to seek help to change unless partners or circumstances mandate it. So, it is understandable that you seek and feel most comfortable with partners who are similarly “wired”. But recognising your sexual needs as healthy and valid is worth pursuing: not only may your ability to give and receive pleasure be greatly enhanced, but you would then be in a position to form lasting, deep relationships that could provide greater happiness throughout your life. It’s a choice you have to make. Will you simply do your best to filter your search for sexual partners to improve your chances of having non-intimate experiences? Or will you try for the joy that true intimacy can bring? Of course, you already know intimacy involves showing yourself as you truly are to another person and risking painful rejection: it is not for the faint-hearted.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
