I am a 27-year-old woman recovering from a broken heart and I fear that I have co-dependent tendencies. I have a male friend whom I’m attracted to and he has let me know his desire for me. I’m concerned that if I begin being sexually intimate with him, I will fall into old habits and lose focus of my emotional and physical needs. Both of our childhoods were hyper-religious and stricken with emotional abuse, but now we both want to become more confident, assertive people.
You’re probably over-thinking the situation. Of course, one choice is to pull away from relationships altogether for a while as you attempt to develop the self-esteem you believe will protect you in the future, but another choice is to fight fire with (erotic) fire. Consider putting your intensely analytic mind aside for a while and allow yourself to simply enjoy all the good feelings your body can have. Would it be unthinkable for you to fully and bravely experience your eroticism? There can be no guarantees that you won’t fall into old habits – or even make new mistakes – but at least what you learned in the last relationship can be applied anew. Hopefully this new friend might become not only a partner in pleasure, but also one in emotional development. If not, pain itself usually leads to growth. Your religious background has made you self-judgmental and afraid of passion, but it’s through surrendering to pleasure that a person such as you will learn best how to survive it.
