Dear Coleen,
I’m a 22-year-old woman who’s never been in a relationship and never been on a proper date.
Despite this, I do have casual sex occasionally.
I enjoy that and usually don’t expect or want anything more from the guys I sleep with.
Sometimes, the men I sleep with will express an interest in me beyond sex but, no matter how nice or attractive they are, I tend to panic and steer away from making things any more serious.
This has led to many missed opportunities with guys I know would treat me really well or even just be good company on a date.
I had a very stable and loving upbringing – my parents are happily married and have always demonstrated what a good relationship should involve.
Due to the fact I’ve never been in one, I’ve obviously had no negative experiences with guys that have traumatised me in any way.
I’m aware I have commitment issues, but I have no idea why and how I overcome it.
Any advice and guidance on how I can break down these barriers and allow guys in would be very much appreciated.
Coleen says...
Well, it might simply be that you’re not mentally and emotionally ready for a serious relationship.
You are only 22 and there’s nothing wrong with keeping things casual and sleeping with someone you like, as long as you’re being safe.
I wonder if you’re feeling peer pressure? If you’re surrounded by friends who are in relationships, it’s natural to think you should be doing the same.
Also, sometimes the “perfect” scenario can affect you because you’re always looking for that.
Perhaps you see your happily married parents and have this underlying worry that you have a lot to live up to and you won’t be as successful as they are.
In terms of letting guys in, I’m afraid the only way forward is to start letting them in!
You might have to date a few people before you meet someone you want to be with and that’s perfectly normal.
And don’t compare every date or every relationship you have to your mum and dad, who I’m sure have had their ups and downs over the years – you might just not know about them.
Be careful that you don’t build up a phobia about dating.
Yes, it’s nerve-racking, which can put you off even trying, but once you’ve been on a couple you’ll realise it’s fine and your confidence will grow.
It might also be worth having some counselling.
