Dear Coleen
I’m a man aged 39 and I’ve just found out I’m being made redundant. It couldn’t have come at a worse time, as my wife has given up her job through stress and to focus more on our two kids.
She’s already angry that we’re struggling financially and that I don’t earn more money, and has always resented the fact that she had to work instead of being at home and being more involved with the kids.
Things came to a head a few weeks ago in the middle of an argument when she told me she was leaving her job and that I’d have to just deal with it.
How can I tell her that I’ll soon be unemployed, too? She’s quite volatile at the moment and she’ll hit the roof.
I feel like I’m a huge disappointment to her because I don’t earn as much as her mates’ husbands and that I can’t just fix the situation.
I do love her, but I feel she blames me for a lot of stuff that’s not my fault. Our kids are aged seven and five, and before they came along we had a pretty great relationship. I’d love some advice.
What advice would you give to this reader? Have your say in the comment section
Coleen says
The financial fallout from Covid means a lot of people are facing the same problems and it puts so much stress on relationships.
It’s hard to have a conversation when your wife is angry and the situation is volatile, but you have to tell her sooner rather than later.
All you can do is try to remain calm and explain that it’s not your fault, it’s not what you wanted either, and you’ll obviously look for another job. She’ll be looking for reassurance, so do your best to do that.
Sometimes when you’re very stressed, you just need to be talked down – my son Jake is my talk-down person. He always tells me to take a breath, we’ll work it out and it’ll be fine.
When someone else is calm and confident, it really helps to bring you back down. Now things have come to a head, maybe this is an opportunity for you and your wife to get on the same side again and work it out together.
Talk about a plan and remind her what you have to build on – a marriage, lovely children and a life together. Try to look at the good things.
It’s important to acknowledge she’s worried and you’re in a challenging situation, but instead of panicking, try to discuss how you move things forward. And if your wife feels overwhelmed by stress, encourage her to see her GP or a therapist, and use some self-care techniques at home.
Finally, you’re not a huge disappointment – redundancy can happen to anyone from any walk of life and it’s happening a lot right now.
It might take a while to get back on your feet, but I hope you’ll come out stronger and closer to your wife. Good luck.
