There I was on the plush designer sofa overlooking glamorous Knightsbridge — red cheeks streaked in hot tears, wobbly hands clutching sodden mascara-stained tissues. Silly me, thinking a night at the Mandarin Oriental Hyde Park was going to be all comfort and pampering.
When I booked into newly-opened postpartum retreat The Tenth, set within one of London’s most iconic luxury hotels, I had imagined reclining on a massage table sipping fizz, while my baby was entertained by an army of childminders. Instead I seemed to be having something of a personal revelation.
“The mind often blocks out things that it finds too much to deal with, which might be why you can’t remember key moments of the birth,” says psychotherapist Fedra, who’s sat before me in my rambling suite. Around us, as well as the usual Mandarin Oriental luxuries, my room has been specially furnished with non-alcoholic fizz, healthy snacks, a baby change table — plus various other paraphernalia that one might need in the postpartum period, from a sharps bin to a toilet stool (if you know, you know).
Fedra and I have spent the last hour in this supremely elegant space unpacking my traumatic birth experience and difficult early postpartum period with my daughter, who’s currently a few doors down in a dedicated nursery playing with the on-duty nanny.
It’s a very western idea that you need to get back on your feet quickly after having a baby. It’s the UK norm of a ‘stiff upper lip’
It’s been a year since she was born yet I realise that with the physical demands of becoming a new mother, returning to freelance work and moving house, I’ve not given myself the mental space to really process the immensity of it all. And, if the tears I’ve been spouting are anything to go by, below my “juggling it all” facade remains some unresolved issues.
“It’s a very western idea that you need to get back on your feet quickly after having a baby,” I’m later told by Hiba Siddiqui, a former investment banker who founded The Tenth after her own challenging postpartum journey. “It’s the UK norm of a ‘stiff upper lip’ — like, just get on with it, it’s no big deal. But in fact it’s incredibly life-changing.’
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Anyone who’s experienced the postpartum period will know that it’s a wild time; taxing physical recovery, draining emotional instability and — oh yeah — the total rebirth of the self. It’s different for everyone and yet, there are certain commonalities. Exhaustion like you’ve never felt before. Newfound anxieties. A need for outside support, both mental and physical.
In traditional cultures around the world, the postpartum period is openly acknowledged to be immensely challenging and is in turn respected as a sacred time of maternal recovery. In countries as diverse as China and Mexico, the first 40 days (often referred to as the ‘fourth trimester’ or ‘tenth’ month) are dedicated to the birthing parent’s care and support. In South Korea, 8 out of 10 women check into post-birth centres, called sanhujoriwon, where they spend their first few weeks being fed and cared for while settling into new motherhood.
When you’re pregnant the whole world fawns over you, but as soon as the baby is pushed out the support ends. There is no space for the mother
Conversely, in the west, where the pressure to “bounce back” reins — and where family and community support units are often the most stretched, or even non-existent — we’ve reduced giving birth to a rather mundane, unremarkable experience. The focus on the birthing mother’s recovery is minimal, often limited to a single overnight in hospital directly following the delivery.
“When you’re pregnant the whole world fawns over you,” says Hiba. “But as soon as the baby is pushed out the support ends. There is no space for the mother; conversations that do exist are all about postnatal depression but there is so much more to the postpartum period than that.”
Hiba says that as a high-performing individual in banking and fashion, learning how to be a mother felt like a difficult gear-change that needed much more support.
“I had huge feelings of inadequacy. My entire world had changed but no one had prepared me for that. It took me a full two years to feel myself again.”
While the support principles are the same as in many traditional settings, the programme that Hiba has fashioned at The Tenth — being as it is, set within the Mandarin Oriental Hyde Park — naturally caters to the top end of the market. Balanced meals containing body-healing nutrition and (for those breastfeeding, supporting the body’s milk supply) are delivered to your room by trolley.
There is expert massage and reflexology to rebalance, relax and restore; psychotherapy and sound healing to support mental health; plus sessions to educate (hey, you need to learn how to wind a baby somewhere). Midwife visits assess mum and baby’s health and diagnose things like tongue-tie (in fact, I learn from in-house tongue tie practitioner Aneeka that my daughter has one, which might explain why my early days breastfeeding were painful).
Then of course there is the real luxury for wearied parents: a 24/7 nursery where, any time day or night, you can drop your baby with a qualified nanny so you can get some proper rest. A camera overlooking the nursery cot feeds straight into an iPad in your suite, so if you’re feeling anxious about the separation you can check on baby anytime.
While the Tenth feels like a novel prospect in the UK, it’s part of a growing movement in the west that is finally recognising postpartum care for what it is: not a luxury, but an essential. In the US, recent openings in the same space have included Boram in NYC and Ahma & Co in California, while in Canada’s largest city Toronto, Alma has hit the scene.
Meanwhile, Clio Wood has been running postpartum retreats in France through her company &Breathe (andbreathewellbeing.com) for 11 years, following a traumatic birth and PTSD with her first daughter. Compared to other retreats which often focus on the immediate post-birth period, Clio typically welcomes parents slightly further along in their journey who need time to stop, reflect and reset.
“The new role of parenthood really takes over your life for weeks, months, years. It might not be immediate that you’re ready to put your head above the parapet and breathe. People come when they know they have issues to sort out, when they’re ready to have that conversation, want to feel good in their body again.”
Clio’s retreats (the next begins near Limoges this 16 June) include the likes of fitness, meditation, massage and healthy eating, all within the sun-drenched grounds of a French manor. While children up to preschool age are welcome to come along, parents are the focus — not babies — and daily nannying is included to support with childcare.
Crucially, says Clio, &Breathe retreats are at heart a group experience that lets parents from different walks of life connect — and commiserate. “Everyone has their own poonami story,” laughs Clio. “But in seriousness, parenthood can feel quite isolating and with other people in a similar situation to speak to, it feels like you’re not alone.”
While in contrast The Tenth prioritises privacy over socialising, Hiba says it is important that it’s a retreat taking place away from the usual home environment. “It’s about the mental load. Women still carry the lion’s share, and no matter how affluent you are you’ll still be thinking about whether dinner, or the laundry, has been done. The Mandarin Oriental is a third space that is disconnected from you, so it’s possible to rest and recover.”
And, as I can attest, the Mandarin Oriental is also a very, very lovely place to hang out. Following my cry-it-out session with Fedra — and before my scheduled in—room afternoon massage — I popped down for lunch with my daughter in the hotel’s garden restaurant, fringing Hyde Park.
The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, people were sipping glasses of rosé. Life around us was carrying on as normal. It was a brilliant reminder for me that — amid all the ups and downs of new motherhood — one day, life will be ‘normal’ for me again too.
Retreats at The Tenth, including accommodation at Mandarin Oriental Hyde Park, meals and treatments from £1,795 per night (tenthwellness.com). Seven-day Family & Postnatal Retreat with &Breathe in France from £1,250 per adult, kids go free (andbreathewellbeing.com).
