Dear Coleen
My husband and I are due to have our first relationship counselling session soon after the Christmas holidays.
It’s a last-ditch attempt to save our marriage, but neither of us is that keen on going.
I can’t stand the sight of him and he thinks therapy is a waste of money, but we have two young children aged five and seven, so we’re doing it with them in mind.
We’ve always had quite a volatile relationship, but now it’s like that most of the time.
We bicker, then it erupts into an argument and we shout and slam a lot of doors. It’s exhausting, but we’re in this cycle now and don’t know how to break it.
We used to love each other, but the past few years have been a struggle. He’s an impatient parent, which means he usually walks away, leaving me to deal with the kids.
He’s also selfish and puts himself before us, going off on golf trips, nights out and so on with his mates, and I’m tired of always coming second.
It’s like he wants the benefits of a family without putting in the effort.
Can counselling help us? I’m worried things have gone too far and there’s no way back.
Coleen says
At the moment you’re not talking, you’re screaming at each other, so neither of you is listening.
Counselling is a way of getting past the shouting.
When you’re saying how you feel calmly, the other person hears it for the first time and it will teach you how to communicate better, which you don’t know how to do – or, at least, you’ve forgotten how to do it.
It won’t be all rainbows and roses after one session as you have to keep going until you get a breakthrough. That might be realising the relationship is at the end of the road, but you’ve arrived there in a much more amicable fashion.
Life happens, people change, but you don’t have to hate each other and you can still be good parents.
And when your kids are older, you can tell them you tried everything you could to make the marriage work.
So, I don’t think it’s a waste of time or money if it either helps you find each other again (because sometimes you just get lost) or it allows you to separate in the best way possible. Try to go into it positively, and good luck.
