I am a 21-year-old man. I have only had sex 10 times and I have never been able to orgasm, no matter how long I do it. I think this is all from being molested as a child. I don’t even know where to begin to get help, and I’m way too shy to say things like this in person.
Reticence about discussing sex is common and normal; many people are brought up in households where sex is a dirty word. Sadly, their shame about it causes them to keep their sexual fears and problems to themselves. But there are always solutions or ways to get help. Your anorgasmia may be related to your abuse, and you should seek help to heal from that, from an experienced, trustworthy therapist.
However, there are other possible reasons. Making the switch from self-pleasuring to sexual interaction with another person is always challenging. Even though you may understand your own body well, nobody else will unless you give them clear information. You will have to learn how to show – or ask – partners for what you need.
Have the styles of lovemaking that you have tried so far actually been exciting for you? Sometimes, a man is unable to orgasm because he is just not sufficiently aroused.
Experiment with different kinds of positions, and with oral or manual stimulation, and be open to exploring contact with different types of people and relationships.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
