Dear Coleen
I recently found out that my fiance has been exchanging texts with his ex-girlfriend.
The messages I saw were innocent enough, discussing their group of friends from university and an upcoming reunion that’s planned for this summer.
But what really bugs me is he didn’t tell me about these conversations or even mention they’d been in touch, which obviously makes me feel weird. Why keep it a secret?
He says as they’re part of the same friendship group, he wants to keep things civil, but has agreed to stop the private messaging and just message the bigger group.
When I asked him why he hadn’t mentioned the texts, he said he guessed they might upset me, so thought it was better not to say anything at all.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting, but I hate that he’s hidden this from me and it’s even made me question our relationship.
We’re planning to get married next spring. It’s just thrown me and put doubts in my mind over whether I can really trust him, and if he’s actually committed to our relationship.
Do you think I’m making too much of this or do I have a point?
What advice would you give to this reader? Have your say in the comment section
Coleen says
Well, I think you have to explain to him that deliberately hiding things from you makes you question whether you can trust him, and trust is everything in a relationship. It’s the secrecy around it that’s the problem, not the fact they texted each other.
However, I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt this time – in his mind they’re only chatting about their friends and the reunion, and he didn’t want you to get the wrong end of the stick, so he didn’t mention it.
But explain to him that if he’d told you he’d been in touch with his ex, you might have been a bit irritated, but wouldn’t have been left questioning your entire relationship!
The other thing to consider is that your boyfriend might be an innocent party in this text exchange, but his ex might have other motives, so it’s probably a good idea for them to stick to messaging in the wider group about arrangements for the reunion.
