Dear Eva,
I have been online dating for a few months now with little success. I was fortunate enough to meet a couple of men who matched what I would look for in a potential partner: smart, funny, attractive etc. The problem is, although I thought the dates were great, the following day I received a message from these guys saying they really enjoyed my company but just wanted to be friends.
I’m confused: is that some lame excuse because they think they’re letting me down gently, or should I be working on giving out better vibes? I thought I was doing the right thing by just being my normal self rather than going all out to deliberately seduce these guys on a first date. I’m now worried that if I meet someone I really like, he won’t see me as future girlfriend material.
•••
Hey, you.
You are doing the right thing if you’re looking for a relationship, not a one-night stand, by being yourself. And if you’re having a great time? That sounds promising, too, even if these dates have not yet led to romance. So many of us would not be looking for love online if it was easy to find; it sounds to me like you have simply not met someone with whom there’s been a perfect click on both sides.
Don’t worry that you are not “future girlfriend material”; after just one meeting, you can be certain that a person’s years of personal experience have far more bearing on his romantic decisions and inclinations that one encounter with you. Which is all to say: you’re just going to have to keep trying. I know. Ugh.
As for the offers of friendship: well, it can be a lame excuse, although in my experience when guys don’t want to see me again after a first date, I just don’t hear from them again. Which is fine. So it may be that these men are genuine in their offers of friendship. Accept it if you want more friends; don’t if that part of your social life is just fine. You might just meet people through your new friends who you like even better.
Love,
Eva
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Dear Eva,
I seem to be completely dumbfounded as to what’s going horrendously wrong on the first date. I’m usually able to get a first date through Tinder without much issue, after messaging back and forth for a week or so. When the actual date rolls around, it seems to go reasonably well, in my opinion, until I attempt to re-establish contact and at which point I’m greeted by radio silence.
I don’t believe I’m so socially inept that they’re immediately spooked off, but I’ve definitely come to terms that the problem lies with me and not anything external, as the sheer number of unsuccessful dates points to one common denominator.
While normally, in other fields you could simply ask where it’s going so terribly wrong and rectify it, due to the social decorum present in dating, I’m unable to get to the bottom of where and why it went wrong. I’d love for nothing more than to stop putting these seemingly lovely women through the horror of a first date with me.
•••
Hey, you.
Talk to anyone who’s using Tinder and I think you’ll find that the common denominator is, well, Tinder. With the exception of those few smug folks who’ve married the first person they swiped, most people who are using it to actually meet people are having lots of first dates but not so many second ones.
Why? Because you have so little inkling of the people you meet on Tinder before you meet them in the flesh. I think of a first Tinder date as being similar to meeting someone at a party for the first time: you see them, you think they look cute, sometimes the conversation leads to a desire to spend more time together, quite often you want to say, ‘Well, I’m going to the bathroom’ and never return.
The answer, of course, is that you just have to persevere, but if that feels dispiriting – and let me tell you, I get it! – it might be worth trying another online dating platform that offers a bit more information about the people you’re going to meet beforehand, as I think in general this makes it less of a shot in the dark.
Love,
Eva
