On its debut day as an official menu item, the half-pound Most American Thickburger ($7.29) felt almost alive as it stared me down at a Carl’s Jr in Texas.
The patriotic burger, which also has a measly third-pound option, clocks in at the is-this-legal tally of 1,250 calories and 85 grams of fat. Between two “freshly baked” buns, it squishes together a cut hot dog on top of a beef patty with American cheese, kettle chips, slice of tomato, and garnished with, in my case, one piece of wilted lettuce. The burger looks like a creation made by a group of fifth graders who threw all their leftover lunches together.
“I haven’t had it, and I won’t,” said Hannah, the cashier, when I’d asked her if she’d eaten it. “I don’t like weenies or hot dogs or anything like that.”
My first bite of the burger reminded me of the latest Mad Max, in which Charlize Theron’s character contemplates a 100-plus-day drive over an endless salt plain. The hot dog, it seemed, had taken a similar journey. Around bite three, my chest started to hurt. To be fair, this feeling could have been because I hadn’t eaten much earlier in the day. Soon, I broke out into meat sweats (pale and clammy perspiration). I took a break to stretch and give myself a pep talk in the bathroom mirror.
The burger is an unruly beast, too massive for a human mouth, and it takes both hands to control. After I figured out a plan of attack and my mouth adjusted to the salt level, the burger surprised me. I actually didn’t hate it. The patty part tasted like a Fourth of July cookout, and the bun was sweet (which countered all the savory). The sandwich also hit a stroke of genius: kettle chips plus pickles work great together.
By my last couple bites, the too-small bun had disappeared, so I held a piece of burger-hot-dog between ketchup and mustard stained fingers. I had half-expected a big crowd for the Most American Thickburger launch, but I found myself alone in the dining room as an employee sang a song with the lyrics: “We all make mistakes. We do.”
Though I can never imagine eating this burger again – my body’s still protesting a day later – I don’t count ordering it as one of my week’s mistakes. I may have even liked it a little bit.
