I’m a naturally very thin 27-year-old woman who is sexually inexperienced. I feel completely comfortable in clothes and OK in underwear, but do not feel sexy naked. The main problem is my flat chest, which I feel makes me appear child-like. I can’t help think men would find this unattractive and a turn-off. I’m not experienced or confident sexually and this issue just adds to the problem, making me feel I will never have a sex life or be able to have normal relationships. What can I do to overcome this?
Although it is true that certain types of bodies appeal to certain men, there is a wide variety of taste regarding breast size and other physical attributes – just as there is for women regarding male features. But it is important to stop objectifying yourself. You are not just a body – you are a person who is capable of being loved and desired. Who you are, and how you relate to a partner, is the basis of attraction, not the size of your breasts. Rather than trying to make yourself fit an idea of what you think men might want, you must learn to appreciate your many attributes and discover the things that turn you on. If your own fantasy life is poor, you might try seeking written erotica designed for women – or just allow your imagination free roam. Explore your own body until you really know what feels good, then you could teach a potential partner how you like to be pleasured. People are attracted to those who feel that they are themselves attractive, whether they match common notions of what body type is sexually appealing for their culture or not. And seek the company of others – male and female – to simply enjoy social connections. Build your own confidence, and aim to feel yourself to be a self-assured woman who is fun to be with.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
