I’m a woman and have known that I’m bisexual since I was 16, but I’ve only ever had relationships with men. I’m now almost 30 and in a committed relationship of more than five years. I love my partner, but when I think about the eventuality of marriage, a mortgage and children, I feel a small surge of sadness: have I missed the chance to explore my sexuality? I thought it would happen at university, or, at the very least, that I’d be able to truly be myself (openly attracted to women). Yet I’ve never been one for putting myself out there. Before I knew it, I was in my final year and I had started dating my now long-term partner. I’m left with not so much a conundrum, but a feeling of loss for something I never had. The ultimate question: do you think it’s best to just accept I’ve missed my chance, and be grateful for the committed relationship I have?
Only you can decide what is best for you, and you could not be blamed for choosing safety and stability over sexual exploration. However, you would not be asking the current question were you not deeply troubled by your feelings. Perhaps there is a way for you to try connecting with a woman to whom you are attracted – in order to explore the erotic possibilities in a non-physical way ie without sabotaging your primary relationship. I am not suggesting you have an affair (although some people in your position might choose such a course of action in pursuit of self-discovery) but rather, that you open yourself a bit more to attractions and erotic signals that you have previously avoided. In allowing yourself to be more open in this way, you might learn whether your desire for women can remain a fantasy or not.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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