My husband died five years ago. I’m 78 and have enjoyed sexually pleasuring myself. Recently I have enjoyed very exciting sex, but now cannot masturbate. The relationship suits me, but I don’t want to be too committed because life on my own is full and happy. Can you suggest how I can get back to enjoying sex on my own, because I miss it?
There should be no reason at all why you cannot enjoy both solo sex and sex with a partner. If the current barrier to masturbation is simply lack of time or privacy, then try to organise your life so you have all the opportunities you need. But if the problem is disapproval from your current lover, then do not put up with that. And, in any case, why tell him? It is absolutely none of his business.
The notion that (moderate) masturbation interferes with one’s ability to enjoy sex with a partner is a myth. Many people find that, while sex with their partner is highly enjoyable, nothing is so deeply satisfying as masturbation. You deserve to enjoy the kind of sex that best appeals to you, and if that means limiting sex with your new partner to better prioritise self-pleasuring – then that is your right, your decision, and you deserve full sexual self-determination.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
