I am 75 years old and I was widowed four years ago after a 50-year marriage. I have been trying dating sites and have met two nice men during the past year. I have had sex with both of them, but have failed to orgasm, despite patient efforts on their part. There has been plenty of foreplay and clitoral stimulation, as well as G-spot stimulation. I have been using sex toys from time to time and these haven’t worked either – in fact, they have resulted in a urinary tract infection. Every time I think I am close, the feeling just disappears. I also tend to get cramps in my legs when I think I am getting close. My current partner is patient and loving, but I feel I am not giving him my full potential. Am I just too old and the nerve endings have withered away?
This problem of anorgasmia is fairly common among women of all ages. You could speak with your doctor about hormonal changes that might be affecting your ability to climax as readily as you did in the past and see if there is a medical issue and a medical solution – for example, testosterone supplementation. You should also mention and explore the tendency of your muscles to cramp.
But most importantly, you would do well to stop being overly accommodating. You do not have to orgasm to order just to please someone else. If you allow yourself – or him – to think this expectation is OK, it will increase your anxiety and make it even less likely that you will reach orgasm. You are sexually intelligent, confident and open to experimentation, so you have a great deal to offer a partner – even without orgasming in his presence. Be more selfish. It is vital to try to enjoy partner sex just for the pure pleasure and erotic human connection. If you make orgasm a goal, it will likely remain elusive.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
