Dear Coleen
I’m a 34-year-old woman and I’m married with a five-year-old son. I’ve been with my husband for eight years and we used to have a really fun, sexy relationship.
However, the physical side of things has become a problem for me and I’m running out of excuses not to have sex.
As long as I’ve known him, he’s dabbled in a bit of cross-dressing – he likes to wear lipstick, lingerie and heels sometimes at home, but doesn’t go out in public dressed as a woman.
In our 20s I used to find it quite a turn-on and a bit edgy – he’s good looking and sexy – but as we’ve got older and now we have a son, it just doesn’t feel the same and is actually a turn-off.
He’s asked me if his cross-dressing is the reason we don’t have sex any more, and I lied and said no, explaining I was tired and stressed, and just not in the right headspace.
I do love him and he’s a really good dad and partner, but our sex life is a huge issue and I’m too young to give up on that.
I’ve always been supportive of his cross-dressing in the past, but I’m struggling with it at the moment and I don’t think my feelings will change.
I’d welcome your opinion and any ideas you have on what I can do.
Coleen says
Firstly, and most importantly, don’t lie to him. I understand you don’t want to hurt him, but lying won’t get you any further down the line.
You have to be honest and tell him what you’ve told me – there was a time when you liked it, but now it’s not doing it for you, in fact it’s doing the opposite.
At the moment he doesn’t know this, so he’s worried and he’s trying to work out what’s changed and why you don’t want to be intimate with him.
Look, it’s OK to change. Our views, attitudes, likes and dislikes can change as we move through life, so things that were fun once aren’t fun any more.
The fact you still love him and he’s a great dad is a great foundation and worth holding on to, but you need a chat about how you can make the relationship work for both of you.
Is there a compromise where he doesn’t cross-dress when you’re around or it doesn’t play a part in your sex life? What does he see as the options?
You can’t keep avoiding the conversation because you’ll both become increasingly annoyed and resentful, which could take you down a road you can’t come back from.
